Category Archives: Satire

The Faith of Superheroes (and Villains)

29 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in Satire, Uncategorized

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I have no serious message whatsoever for today, except perhaps we need to lighten up for a minute or so. We’ve been really heavy here the last fortnight or so, as we should have been.

So sit back and enjoy, from Hans Fiene, the creator of Lutheran Satire, via The Federalist.

Batman’s an atheist now, you guys. Well, not exactly. After suffering a bit of an existential crisis, Bruce Wayne is questioning his faith in anything, not just the Triune God.

The Caped Crusader is more of a Doubting Descartes than a Determined Dawkins these days. Or, as Rich Cromwell put it, Batman is not so much an atheist as he is a slightly-more-lapsed-than-your-average Episcopalian.

So if the revelation about Batman’s lack of faith makes you fear that your children can no longer look up to a fornicating, spandex-wearing, deranged vigilante, don’t be afraid. Until Batman trades in the cowl for a fedora, he’s still the perfect role model for your seven-year-old.

Batman’s newfound lack of faith raises an interesting question: what do the rest of the folks in comic book land believe? Aside from pious Catholics like Nightcrawler and Daredevil (to whatever extent vigilantes can be pious Catholics), religious devotion is not a common feature of today’s superheroes, at least in their cinematic and small-screen forms.

So what do our various heroes and villains believe about God and salvation? What kind of monotheist is Captain America? What gods does the god of Thunder worship?

If you’re looking for an accurate list of comic book characters’ religious affiliations, check out this website, where we learn that Lois Lane is Catholic and Captain Underpants is Jewish. If, however, you’re looking for completely un-researched, slightly offensive, and wildly inaccurate speculation about the religious beliefs of various characters based on their biographies and personality quirks, I’m here to help.

Here are the religious affiliations of your favorite superheroes and super-villains.

Quite a bit more here.

Enjoy!

Justice for the Vicar of Stiffkey

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Anglicanism, Faith, Satire

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Davidson_with_Douglas

I see the Church of England has thrown Bishop Bell to the wolves – one allegation of sexual misconduct with a child and he’s busted. That’ll teach anyone to stand out for their principles and oppose area bombing in a war where to do so singled him out for abuse from the press – best stick with the consensus – after all, what else is the C of E for? If we’re house-clearing for the C of E, it’s clearly time now for it to make a handsome apology to Harold Davidson, the Vicar of Stiffkey, who didn’t, it seems do anything more than try to rescue prostitutes and fall foul of a bad-tempered old Bishop of Norwich.

Despite being based out on the North Norfolk coast where he was supposed to be ministering to the locals, Davidson decided his real calling was in Soho, where he became known as the ‘Prostitutes’  Padre’. When he was eventually charged with committing ‘immoral acts’ in 1932, the Press had a field day. On the one side were a set of charges which showed that, at the least, Davidson had behaved unwisely and gained himself a reputation as a ‘sex pest’ in Soho where, as we would now surely admit, he had simply been trying to understand the lives of the local sex workers? But to the press of the day this was not clear, any more than it was to the Consistory Court, which took the judgmental view that a photo of the rector with a young woman showing her bare backside to the photographer suggested he was guilty as charged; how judgmental of them? Perhaps she was cold and he was just clothing the naked?

Poor old Davidson, after his defrocking, protested his innocence and raised money to pay his legal bills by exhibiting himself in shows at Blackpool in a barrel, and later, at Skegness, posing with lions in a cage. When the inevitable happened, Davidson went to a version of a martyr’s death; he should surely be recognised as a martyr to the cause of progressive Christianity?

It more than time that the C of E reexamined this scandalous miscarriage of justice. It’s pretty clear that some of the girls were lying, and there’s every reason for the Church to reexamine the case, admit it got it wrong, and do justice to poor old Davidson. It may, of course, be that he actually believed in the literal truth of the Resurrection, but that was not uncommon then, even in the C of E, and it should be overlooked in favour of the fact he was a victim of persecution by Norfolk toffs and narrow-minded clergymen. He was a victim of prejudice, and even if he was not up with the latest thinking that there is nothing from which sex workers need rescuing, he had a clear leaning to the poor and needy.

Who are we to judge? If a Rector based in Norfolk wants to spend his week ends in Soho helping sex workers, who’d be narrow-minded enough to say he’d be better off doing his day job? It is another example of the need for historical justice – don’t know about ‘Rhodes must fall’, but ‘Harold must rise’ seems to be the way to go.

 

Judas got a bad rap!

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Bible, Easter, Faith, Satire

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You can tell we’re coming up the Easter in the UK – it is time for the media to take its usual interest in Christianity by finding some unorthodoxy it can promote – this year, with the full participation of the Church of England, we get the old chestnut that Judas got a bad rap. The good old BBC has shrewdly spotted that a lady vicar best known for dancing at a wedding and for appearing on a reality TV show, has exactly the credentials needed for the sort of programme they want to do on Judas. She’s not, she says, saying Judas was OK, but he was maligned:

“I don’t think any of the other disciples were whiter than white – we just probably didn’t hear about it because they were all human and we are all a bit messed up.”

I don’t know which, if any Bible, she reads, but I’d recommend she try mine, which is full of stories of the Apostles messing things up – that Peter fella doesn’t come out of the story of the crucifixion very well. We ‘don’t hear about it’ – she should get one of those Bibles on tape – I heard it there.

The current Bishop of Leeds, who never saw an unorthodox thought he didn’t like, brings up the antique notion that Judas was a revolutionary and right to be disappointed in Jesus – guess he’s too young to have heard of ‘Jesus Christ, Superstar’ then?

It is left to the dancing Rev to make the daftest comment of all:

“Jesus forgave people as they were putting the nails in to his hands and there is no reason why he would not have forgiven Judas but he just didn’t hear that.”

Not sure whom she thinks did not hear what, but perhaps she’s still doing that Anglican free-wheeling riffs off Christianity without the Bible, because Jesus seems pretty clear about his fate:

The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.

Not being a highly trained liturgical dancer, or a Bishop in the C of E, I’m old-fashioned enough to think these words of Jesus don’t sound good for old Judas.

Yes, Judas has a key role in the story of our Salvation. By betraying the Son of Man, he precipitates the Crucifixion – and thus the Resurrection.Some have seen in this an excuse for Judas; he was foreordained to do as he did. But St John makes it clear he had a choice – but like so many of us, he yielded to the temptations of the Devil.

Judas made a choice. Satan tempted Judas with something which appealed to his pride and ego. Whether he meant to betray Jesus to death, or simply stir up a revolution, he acted as though he knew better than Jesus. He betrayed his friend and Master for his ego. This may be the sort of thing which makes him an object of sympathy for TV clerics from the C of E, but I’ll stay with Jesus’ opinion. I wonder if the dancing vicar had one of those Gideon’s Bibles in her hotel room whilst on location? If so, shame she didn’t consult it.

If you want something sensible on the whole thing, the estimable Caroline Farrow has something good here – but then she’s an orthodox Catholic, and no doubt getting stick from the Tabletista. So, if you’re on Twitter, get in there and support the lass – she does a good job.

Hirelings?

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Anglicanism, Church/State, Satire

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I enjoyed Chalcedon’s post on the theologically semi-literate comments of Giles Fraser. They remind me of the theory that it is a little known part of our unwritten constitution that the Anglican Church has to provide a barmpot to keep the newspapers in sales in slack times. The first one I recall in my lifetime was the ‘Red Dean’ of Canterbury, Hewlett Johnson, a man who never found a genocidal left-wing dictator he couldn’t worship, moving from Stalin, via Mao to Castro – all of whom received his unalloyed praise; he kept his scorn for his own Government and that of the USA. He may even have had views on Jesus, but beyond thinking him an early version of Mao, they weren’t very pronounced – or indeed often pronounced at all. I’m old enough to recall the old loon, living in a palace, and with a good private income, and lecturing the rest of us on redistribution of wealth; he could have started with his own, but somehow never got round to that. At least his successor, ‘honest to God’ John Robinson actually had views on religion, as did his successor in the ‘nutty Anglican’ succession – David Jenkins, one time Bishop of Durham – ‘the bishop who doesn’t believe’ – notorious for thinking that the resurrection was a ‘conjuring trick with bones’. Young Fraser’s a reversion to the Red Dean line, and like Johnson, spends more time opining modish lefty views than writing about his day job –  but then the Guardian wouldn’t be paying for that I suppose?

Judas, having sold his master for 30 pieces of silver, had the decency to feel shame and to hang himself; times have change. If he’d been around now he could have made a living from writing for the media: ‘Why I had to hand Jesus over’, explaining that he’d gone all mystical and betrayed the ‘social gospel’. One can imagine the quotations: ‘It was all very well saying turn the other cheek, but the capitalists would have hit us there too, so revolution was the only answer.’ No doubt Judas should have quoted in aid the old-fashioned social views of Our Lord: “That marriage and one man, one woman stuff, showed just how conservative Jesus was. I once said in frustration “You should join the Tories” – so it’s no wonder I did what I did.’

It is generations of ‘shepherds’ like Jenkins and Fraser who have helped reduce the once-mighty Anglican Church to a bad joke. Fraser has recently written about the need to get rid of many church buildings as they ‘get in the way’ of the ‘wider social and religious mission’ – the ordering of the words is significant. I hate to tell him, but there is already a whole network of churches who behave the way he wants his church to behave – nonconformist chapels like my own have been doing this a long time – much to the disgust and distrust of many of Fraser’s predecessors. I can give him a tip. having been at this for a lot longer than him, if you don’t believe what the Creed says, people won’t come. If they want a social worker, they will phone for one. The church needs to be ‘meaner’, no more ‘Mr Nice Guy’. He thinks the C of E has concentrated too much on its pastoral role – well, not in these parts or others with which I am familiar – it make be different in London. He is right that people will come to worship – but who is it Fraser worships – the God of Scripture or the God of his own devising. Men and women have always come to the first – but when the trumpet gives off a discordant squeak, the go elsewhere.

Before offering a solution to the C of E’s many problems, Fraser needs to identify them – he could begin by looking in the mirror.

A Primer for Confession in a Post Laudato Si Church

23 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Blogging, Satire

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Green Penitent: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 24 hours since my last Confession. I have sinned in the following ways: I drank a bottle of water from a plastic bottle (actually 3 times), swatted (and killed) 8 houseflies, killed a mosquito and a cockroach, rode to the Church in a satanic, fossil burning vehicle twice. I also turned my air conditioner on polluting the environment. I have shown callous disregard for the poor as I could not finish my lunch this afternoon and threw out the excess uneaten food though I could have put it in a doggie bag and taken it to a poor family. The sin is compounded since I ate a commercially produced fish sandwich which depleted the oceans of the fish that the poor fishermen in poor countries cannot now catch to alleviate their hunger. I also, weeded my garden and disrupted the biodiversity of the land and by so doing pricked my finger on a thorn (most likely nature striking me back for my thoughtless actions). Again, without thinking, I put antibiotics on the cut thus killing the micro-organisms and bacteria that were present angering mother earth. I wore a pair of Adidas shoes today which were constructed using the cheap labor and the resources from a poor country which depleted their economy and may have caused countless deaths among the poor populations residing there. I flushed the commode twice today so far and took a 15 minute shower wasting valuable water that could have been sent to areas that do not have as much water as we do. I must also tell you father that I am a little confused as to whether ecological sins are mortal or venial sins. For instance, we all know that wearing anything of fur or leather required the sacrifice of one of mother earth’s animals and likewise should I be wearing natural cotton or polyesters since cotton is produced largely by poor countries by low paid workers and polyesters are made by utilizing petroleum and we all know the pollution that this is putting into our environment. I’m uncertain whether these are venial or mortal Father. If mortal, should I go naked?

Father: Well I think that only you know whether your sins are mortal or venial. As you know you had to know what you were doing and that the sin was serious and went ahead and committed this sin anyway. As to your questions concerning what you should wear, I would advise that you do as we in the clergy now do and wear nothing at all. Is that all of your sins my son?

Penitent: That is all that I can think of today Father.

Father: Please say an act of contrition.

Penitent: O mother earth, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee as well as brother sun and sister moon and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments of wiping out all of mankind by heat and by rising sea levels because we were negligent and exploitive of you, mother earth, but most of all because they offend thee, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, and the bounty of your holy nature to sin no more, to lower my carbon footprint and to avoid the near occasions of sin and to live in a cave naked without eating, drinking, cooling or heating my habitat.

Father: I absolve you in the name of brother sun, sister moon and mother earth.

Penitent: Thank you father.

Father: For your penance say 1 decade of the rosary using the new Mother Earth Mysteries. Go and sin no more.

Penitent: May mother earth’s mercy endure forever.

The Works of the Lost Fathers of the Church (Part II)

21 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in Faith, Satire

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Dyspepsia the Hermit

Little is known about Dyspepsia the Hermit before his missionary work in Szechuan Province in China. It is said that he was greeted warmly by the people and that they celebrated a great feast in his honor. Some ancient Chinese texts speak of the many miracles that occurred that night. There was the copious perspiration that is said to have drenched his clothes and no sooner did they sop up the water from where he sat a new puddle would emerge. There were the tales also of the screams of banshees that were emitted at numerous times and the redness of his face which took on the color of the setting sun. But when smoke was seen to emerge from his nostrils and ears the people were said to be frightened as they were sure that they were in the presence of a terrible and ruthless demon. The story goes that the people became worried and thought it best to lead him out into the wilderness and so they deposited him in a far away valley with a small lake. It is here where Dyspepsia earned his title the Hermit as he never left that place. The lake is said to have disappeared and there is no sign of it at this time as it seems to have miraculously turned into a dry desert. However, etched into the side of the rocks around his hermitage is the following message: “I have been to hell and there isn’t enough water to quench the fire.” I think he must have had an ecstasy during prayer where he experienced the torments of hell and this inscription is all he has left us as a warning to live a good and holy life so that we might not suffer the consequences of hellfire.

Stephacoccus of Philadelphia’s Letter to the Huns (AD 452)

The following letter to Attila the Hun was sent to the Bishop of Rome, Leo I, to be hand delivered to Attila when next he might decide to invade Rome. It is widely known that Leo I met with Attila outside of Rome and that Attila left the region without invading or plundering the city which until now has remained a mystery. Perhaps the reason for this change in heart can now be known to the many historians who have studied this interesting moment in history.  The letter found in Attila’s grave, stuffed into his shirt, was as follows:

My dearest Attila,

Solicitudes and greetings from your friend and admirer Stephacoccus of Pnilidelphia along with Leukocyte the Leper, my trusted scribe and companion, who also sends his warm greetings to you. I hope this letter finds you well. 

As you know, I have traveled throughout the known world to preach the Word and have warned those who would not listen to my Word of the consequences of the wrath of my Lord. To date, every known town to which Leukocyte and I have visited has been devastated both by the Cough of Death or the loss of various extremities. Now, sadly, it seems that wherever we go the towns are empty before our arrival. I am hoping for a better reception in your country.

Thereby I have taken it upon myself to make a journey to your home town; but just recently heard that you were busy sacking Rome, thereby I have sent this letter via the Pope and hope that you receive it. Though you will not be available for this meeting, I feel that having traveled this far already it would be foolish for me to return home to my beloved Philadelphia though it seems they are not too keen on my return either. I shall therefore remain in your country as long as I am able and hope to remain there until your return.

With fondest regards,

Stephacoccus

Having handed this letter to Attila, Leo I was amazed to see Attila mount his horse and order his men to retreat home at full gallop. Having seen this, Leo I got down on his knees and thanked God and returned to Rome to tell of the miracle that God had wrought which saved all of Italy from certain death and destruction.As to the rest of the life of Stephacoccus we have no accounts but needless to say he was a great saint of his day and Attila prized this relic from the saint so much that he took it to his grave.

The Life of Hypochondria the Greater

It is said that Hypochondria experienced every disease known to man. But his prayers kept reviving him over and over again and by the Grace of God we have this testimony of a great saint from our past.

Saintly men are often rather sickly and ill as they take little care of their bodies and devote their lives to the development of their spirit through fasting and prayer. And so it was with Hypochondria. At age 7 he weighed an incredible 212 pounds though he is said to have eaten nothing but the bitter herbs of the hemp plant. He began to have visions around this time which continued throughout his life. These visions did not vary greatly except in minute details: he was always eating at the Divine Wedding Feast with the other saints and the menu items were the only things that changed from vision to vision. He usually awoke from these ecstasies a few pounds heavier and was in an almost hysterical state as the other saints had removed him from the table before he had his fill. These visions were interpreted to mean that his appetite for the sacred was insatiable and that he had a larger appetite for the holy things of God than anyone in heaven.

By the time he was 18 he was constantly bedridden with various ailments though doctors from near and far tried their best to diagnose his diseases but to no avail. His suffering must have been great and the sign that God gave to him and for all to see was that he was being spiritually nourished with the sacred things of heaven and thus his steady weight increase though he ingested almost nothing. At times, after his ecstasies, he was said to become very anxious and fearful, hiding beneath the covers for days.

There were stories that Fibulous, his trusted servant, was feeding him at night with copious amounts of food and a new dessert which he had invented: now known as chocolate brownies but known in his day as Fibulous Fabulous Goodiness. But such gossip is often the norm for saints who are always subjected to such ridicule in their own day. It is only after their death that the truth begins to shine forth.

The trials of Hypochondria lasted the rest of his life. And when he died at the age of 107 he weighed an astonishing 642 pounds (earning him the title, the Greater) even after a long ailment which left him completely immobile during the last 6 months of his life. He was celebrated as the patron saint of the paranoid in the very early Church.

The Works of the Lost Fathers of the Church (Part I)

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Blogging, Faith, Satire

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Modern scholarship has overlooked many of the historical records that have been unearthed these past years and in so doing they have deprived the followers of The Way from an authentic practice of the faith. In this series I plan to rectify this oversight and help the flock come to a more mature understanding of their faith. 
 
I was granted permission to view the originals, now in safe keeping in a jar at Billy-Bobs University and Barbecue Shack across from the Dew Drop Inn in the college town of Bent Fork, West Virginia. I want to thank Billy-Bob for this honor and also for his help in translating some of the more difficult passages. For I must say that it is all Greek to me and Billy-Bob agreed with this assessment.
 
The first Father i would like to speak about is the spiritual mystic and author of The Book of Bells known as Tinnitus the Obstreperous. Although we only have fragments of the original, the parts that have been preserved give us valuable insights into early mystical theology which was developing within our faith.
 
It is postulated that Tinnitus the Obstreperous was born into a poor family of shepherds and that he spent most of his time tending sheep and praying for directions; for his references to the sheep and to the never ending ringing of other-worldly bells seems to echo throughout his manuscript. “The incessant ringing and the never ending journey to find my peace has led me to travel far from my home with my sheep being my only guide. I once was lost and now I am simply going in circles as I think I passed this rock only a moon prior. But the ringing keeps me going and I will follow its sound and my sheep until I find its ultimate source and the blessed rest that only silence can bring. O sweet mother, what I wouldn’t do for a taste of your baklava.”
 
By this we understand that Tinnitus sees the spiritual journey as a pilgrim who at times seems frustrated by the arduous path and its repetitiveness. The only constant is that we know our sheep are with us and though they think they are following us, it is actually we who are following them which can at times lead to great confusion. But if we listen to that clarion call of the bell we will not go too far astray and we seek the silence and rest that only comes by following this heavenly call. Note that Tinnitus the Obstreperous has found the rock twice during his travels and that this is a sign that he is on the right path and the circle of life corresponds with the circles of his travels. Some have thought that his reference to the moon may have something to do with the fact that his spiritual travels are at night and that he may have been undergoing a radical transformation during his spiritual dark night.
 
There is also conjecture that this may be the beginning of Marian devotion: note the reference to his Sweet Mother. She is invoked for even a small taste of her sweetness and it is interesting to note that the sweetness that he is begging for is her magnificent baklava. Now as we all know, baklava is made with fine flour dough, nuts and the sweetest honey. There is some thought here that the dough represents the saved people and the nuts are those who think they are already saved while the honey gives sweetness to the whole as we try to incorporate the nuts with the dough without undue violence. In this way the appetites are quenched and a new awareness is acquired among the faithful; as represented in the baklava itself.
 
As I am trying to keep this short I will only invoke one more passage from Tinnitus that is of particular interest. He goes on to say: “I have put mud in my ear and sheep dung to no avail. But should I come to a cliff and find the Oceans roar below, I feel compelled to throw myself headlong into its vastness and finally find peace from this constant bleating whilst my sorrows turn to joy; for I am eternally reminded of my mothers fish stew. May she find me safe upon the shore lest I dash my head against a stone. Should this fail, my fate is settled; for I once again must gather my sheep together and continue my quest for relief amongst these barren rocks and incessant bells.”
 
Although early scholarship had attributed the phrase “hell’s bells” to Tinnitus it is now widely believed that this is not the case. The latest thinking is that Tinnitus was trying to fill his ears with mud and dung only to see if these bells were from a divine source or if they came from the powers of evil. Knowing now that it was from God and not from the powers of the evil one, he was sure that the bells were calling him to jump into the vast ocean of God and to merge there with him in peace. This, it is thought, was the message of the bells. This is where all sorrow turns to joy and where he can eternally eat of the Sweet Mother’s fish stew: which is a metaphor for the everlasting food of Christians. But danger is there to the last as Tinnitus the Obstreperous reminds us; as we can still dash our heads against a stone and be transported back onto our earthly journey . . . dazed and confused. But Tinnitus also reminds us that the quest never ends even if we should hit a bump on the road or receive a bump to the head. We must gather our flock and continue until we find that Ocean and find the source of the rocks and the everlasting bells that keep driving us on.
 
The next time, among several others, we will investigate the teachings of Dyspepsia the Hermit.

Trans-itional thoughts: a curmudgeon’s guide

13 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in End times, Satire

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Trans-Racism

Yes, I’m coming out of the closet. I am actually a Chinese man trapped in a white caucasian body. This is a genetic mixup and though objectively I may look white to those who meet me, I am actually an oriental man struggling with my identity by some unknown genetic mixup.

Nobody knows how devastating it is for me to suffer this malady and I demand the same rights as Bruce Jenner, Bradley Manning and others to have the necessary operations and treatments that are necessary to alleviate this condition and return me to my proper role, stolen from me at birth. Hang the cost and don’t try to use common sense about this either. For only I who am experiencing this malady is qualified to comment upon it. Why else would I crave egg rolls?

But I am not selfish. I am also on a quest to shine the light on other injustices within our society as well. This brings me to the condition of Trans-Personism.

Trans-Personism

Do you know how many of our brothers and sisters have been locked away in psychiatric wards simply because they suffer from trans-personism? Yes, many thousands who think they are Santa, Joan of Arc, Jesus, Hitler, Satan, the Easter Bunny, and Elmer Fudd are wasting away while we do nothing to alleviate their suffering and pain. It is cruel and unusual punishment and we should end this incarceration as soon as possible. If they know deep inside that they are one of these other people it is not their fault that they were born looking nothing like them; it is a freak of nature after all. Again, it is our duty and it is their right that they get the medical aid and treatments necessary to transform them into the persons that they know they truly are. Incarceration of such people is inhumane to say the least.

And what about those people who suffer from Trans-Specieism?

Trans-Specieism

This is the awful situation that we see at many of the piercing shops where these poor souls are spending all of their own money to transform themselves into aliens from another planet, crocodiles, wolves or vampires and so forth. Imagine their depression having been born into a human body when deep down they are certain that this is not who they really are. Enough said . . . I think you get my point. We owe it to these poor unfortunates to find happiness in their life so that they too can find fulfillment for the true person that resides inside and struggles with their identity.

I know of what they suffer. Recently a wolf in a man’s body was arrested for heisting his leg on a fire hydrant in public and was subjected to great embarrassment and humiliation by being arrested. If they want such things to be done privately then every public restroom should be equipped with a fire hydrant or at least a nice sized tree or bush. Its a fundamental question of tolerance and accessibility for Pete’s sake.

We have made some good progress lately in our battle against intolerance but I hope that by this writing you will see that we have much more work to do before we become the tolerant nation that we aspire to be. Please support me in my effort to get out the word and make this world a better place for all of us. Let us end, once an for all, this prejudicial ignorance that still prevails in our society.

We all gotta die

14 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by in Anglicanism, Faith, Satire

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Our correspondent, ‘Fr Phil’ wishes to have his say on the issue of assisted dying:

What’s with all this opposition to getting people to God more quickly? D’ya think you’re going to live forever in this body? C’mon folk. Yeah, sure, keep fit, take all the tablets the good doc gives you, but if you can’t stay fit and the tablets don’t work, don’t be selfish. Think of the dear old NHS, which we all love so much. It’s going bust. How do you think we can afford all those IVF things for women who never had babies when they were young enough (and the pills to keep them infertile until nature takes its course), and afford the ‘boob jobs’ and the plastic surgery, and the rest of it if you sick and elderly bed-blockers hang around? Didn’t you know there’s a pensions crisis? Because, for some reason, not enough kids are being born, we don’t have enough people coming into the job market to support all you old folks, so really, if you are going to be considerate and kind to the younger generation which can’t be bothered to have kids and wants to have fun, then, once your number is up daddio, just book in to the Dignitas clinic; you know it’s what Jesus would have done.

And hey, that Jesus, what a guy hey. Went around being kind and sweet and nice. Never find him talking about hell, and he hated anyone suffering. Sweetness and light, that’s what he was about, and you know he’d have wanted those sick and in pain to die quickly and to join him in heaven, whatever that means to you; and of course, it means something individual to each of us. All those poor people in pain, they gotta die sometimes, so why keep ’em alive, unless, of course, the doc says put ’em on a respirator and keep ’em alive, because you gotta do what the NHS says because it was founded by Jesus. Get confused? Get a life, or indeed, lose a life; we all gotta die sometime.

The Church has to ‘get with it’. Thank the supreme deity (if you think there is one, and if not, thank Gaia, the NHS, the Great Spirit of the deep or whatever your bag is) for Canons like dear Rosie, who loves being a woman so much that she wants to bring care and compassion to all who are sick by killing as many of them as want to die – as long as two docs say ‘yes man’. And thank whatever for the Bish of Bucks, what a guy. He’s got no time for those old fuddy-duddy rules that a bunch of old white guys thought up, not him. He’s there telling off anyone who dares suggest that what the Church has taught from the beginning has any validity. Call him on it, and you’re a troll. How dare your emotional responses get in the way of the superior ones possessed by readers of the Guardian? everyone knows that only Guardian readers have any moral compass, though they wish Gordon Brwon hadn’t lost it for them. But they’ve forgiven him, because his heart was in the right place, even if his brain had taken leave of absence.

The Church is for everyone, and it brings compassion to all, and if we could only have more syringes and one-way tickets to Switzerland, we could help you too. We’ve done our best you know. If you find all that old-fashioned stuff about hell and judgment and ‘sin’ too much, we’ve done away with all of it, we’re here to make you feel better about yourself and to campaign for social justice and equal rights for chimps. But if, despite all our efforts, you need to top yourself, then why not? Let’s face it granddad, if you can’t get with it, get without it. You know it’s what Jesus wanted ‘cos he was so nice and never once mention hell or judgment. Helluva guy, so face up to it, we all gotta die one day. In fact, I feel so strongly on this issue that I may just lead the way myself – whaddya think guys and gals?

The church must change

04 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by in Faith, Satire

≈ 44 Comments

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PhilChewcutweb

We haven’t heard from ‘Fr Phil’ for some time, but never one to be upstaged by homosexual pop stars, he writes on a much more radical theme:

Jesus was a good man, he wanted us all to be happy. I am unhappy, and I think that Jesus would want me to be happy. I am a member of a largely silent majority. I am a heterosexual man, the husband of one wife. But no one appreciates my problem, and the Church needs to get with my problem and change its attitude. I find myself, from time to time, attracted in a lustful way to other women. This is a perfectly natural reaction. It has been observed in nature, and in all cultures of which we know, we see this instinct at work; in other words, God made us like this. Now, why should I have to restrain these feelings? I was born this way, and I feel insulted, hurt, insulted, that the Church condemns this natural behaviour; how dare it? Does it not realise how many folk it drives away by this unChristian attitude? There needs to be a ‘lusty Christian’ movement. We need to find a perfectly ordinary word to appropriate to describe ourselves – perhaps ‘Christians for choice’? After all, the number of times Jesus condemns this sort of behaviour are not frequent compared to the total number of verses in the Bible, and if Christians are prepared to say that homosexuality is natural and should be allowed, and that there should be a ‘gay Christian perspective’ on things, then why the discrimination against us? It is outrageous that there are priests who will make exceptions for homosexuals and who discriminate against us; there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of priests who have lustful thoughts, so why can’t we get real and stop being hypocritical? Surely we should be out and proud?

Perhaps we should have ‘Lust Pride’ events, in which we parade with our paramours, demanding that the Church should adapt itself to the modern era. Despite these priests knowing that they are lustful men, they pretend they aren’t, and they even dare to condemn those of us who are honest. The Catholics are the worst here. Their priests aren’t even married, so how can they possibly understand our plight? The State has caught up with these things, and no blame is attached to any party in a divorce, so why does the Church still insist on discriminating against those of us who simply respond to our natural instincts. God created them male and female, after all, and so we lusty Christians are well in line with what God wants in that respect.

Yes, in primitive societies, where women were dependant on men and thought of as their chattels, it was natural to want to defend them by banning adultery, but nowadays women have equal rights, and are as lusty as men. So what’s going on here with all this old-fashioned stuff? Does the Church not realise how out of date it is? It needs to adapt to the modern world. We need the C of E to have divorced bishops, bishops living with their paramours; we have the right to be represented by our own kind. After all, I know if Jesus was here, he’d agree, because he wants us to be happy.