Penitent: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 24 hours since my last Confession. I have sinned in the following ways: I drank a bottle of water from a plastic bottle (actually 3 times), swatted (and killed) 8 houseflies, killed a mosquito and a cockroach, rode to the Church in a satanic, fossil burning vehicle twice. I also turned my air conditioner on polluting the environment. I have shown callous disregard for the poor as I could not finish my lunch this afternoon and threw out the excess uneaten food though I could have put it in a doggie bag and taken it to a poor family. The sin is compounded since I ate a commercially produced fish sandwich which depleted the oceans of the fish that the poor fishermen in poor countries cannot now catch to alleviate their hunger. I also, weeded my garden and disrupted the biodiversity of the land and by so doing pricked my finger on a thorn (most likely nature striking me back for my thoughtless actions). Again, without thinking, I put antibiotics on the cut thus killing the micro-organisms and bacteria that were present angering mother earth. I wore a pair of Adidas shoes today which were constructed using the cheap labor and the resources from a poor country which depleted their economy and may have caused countless deaths among the poor populations residing there. I flushed the commode twice today so far and took a 15 minute shower wasting valuable water that could have been sent to areas that do not have as much water as we do. I must also tell you father that I am a little confused as to whether ecological sins are mortal or venial sins. For instance, we all know that wearing anything of fur or leather required the sacrifice of one of mother earth’s animals and likewise should I be wearing natural cotton or polyesters since cotton is produced largely by poor countries by low paid workers and polyesters are made by utilizing petroleum and we all know the pollution that this is putting into our environment. I’m uncertain whether these are venial or mortal Father. If mortal, should I go naked?

Father: Well I think that only you know whether your sins are mortal or venial. As you know you had to know what you were doing and that the sin was serious and went ahead and committed this sin anyway. As to your questions concerning what you should wear, I would advise that you do as we in the clergy now do and wear nothing at all. Is that all of your sins my son?

Penitent: That is all that I can think of today Father.

Father: Please say an act of contrition.

Penitent: O mother earth, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee as well as brother sun and sister moon and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments of wiping out all of mankind by heat and by rising sea levels because we were negligent and exploitive of you, mother earth, but most of all because they offend thee, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, and the bounty of your holy nature to sin no more, to lower my carbon footprint and to avoid the near occasions of sin and to live in a cave naked without eating, drinking, cooling or heating my habitat.

Father: I absolve you in the name of brother sun, sister moon and mother earth.

Penitent: Thank you father.

Father: For your penance say 1 decade of the rosary using the new Mother Earth Mysteries. Go and sin no more.

Penitent: May mother earth’s mercy endure forever.