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Our correspondent, ‘Fr Phil’ wishes to have his say on the issue of assisted dying:

What’s with all this opposition to getting people to God more quickly? D’ya think you’re going to live forever in this body? C’mon folk. Yeah, sure, keep fit, take all the tablets the good doc gives you, but if you can’t stay fit and the tablets don’t work, don’t be selfish. Think of the dear old NHS, which we all love so much. It’s going bust. How do you think we can afford all those IVF things for women who never had babies when they were young enough (and the pills to keep them infertile until nature takes its course), and afford the ‘boob jobs’ and the plastic surgery, and the rest of it if you sick and elderly bed-blockers hang around? Didn’t you know there’s a pensions crisis? Because, for some reason, not enough kids are being born, we don’t have enough people coming into the job market to support all you old folks, so really, if you are going to be considerate and kind to the younger generation which can’t be bothered to have kids and wants to have fun, then, once your number is up daddio, just book in to the Dignitas clinic; you know it’s what Jesus would have done.

And hey, that Jesus, what a guy hey. Went around being kind and sweet and nice. Never find him talking about hell, and he hated anyone suffering. Sweetness and light, that’s what he was about, and you know he’d have wanted those sick and in pain to die quickly and to join him in heaven, whatever that means to you; and of course, it means something individual to each of us. All those poor people in pain, they gotta die sometimes, so why keep ’em alive, unless, of course, the doc says put ’em on a respirator and keep ’em alive, because you gotta do what the NHS says because it was founded by Jesus. Get confused? Get a life, or indeed, lose a life; we all gotta die sometime.

The Church has to ‘get with it’. Thank the supreme deity (if you think there is one, and if not, thank Gaia, the NHS, the Great Spirit of the deep or whatever your bag is) for Canons like dear Rosie, who loves being a woman so much that she wants to bring care and compassion to all who are sick by killing as many of them as want to die – as long as two docs say ‘yes man’. And thank whatever for the Bish of Bucks, what a guy. He’s got no time for those old fuddy-duddy rules that a bunch of old white guys thought up, not him. He’s there telling off anyone who dares suggest that what the Church has taught from the beginning has any validity. Call him on it, and you’re a troll. How dare your emotional responses get in the way of the superior ones possessed by readers of the Guardian? everyone knows that only Guardian readers have any moral compass, though they wish Gordon Brwon hadn’t lost it for them. But they’ve forgiven him, because his heart was in the right place, even if his brain had taken leave of absence.

The Church is for everyone, and it brings compassion to all, and if we could only have more syringes and one-way tickets to Switzerland, we could help you too. We’ve done our best you know. If you find all that old-fashioned stuff about hell and judgment and ‘sin’ too much, we’ve done away with all of it, we’re here to make you feel better about yourself and to campaign for social justice and equal rights for chimps. But if, despite all our efforts, you need to top yourself, then why not? Let’s face it granddad, if you can’t get with it, get without it. You know it’s what Jesus wanted ‘cos he was so nice and never once mention hell or judgment. Helluva guy, so face up to it, we all gotta die one day. In fact, I feel so strongly on this issue that I may just lead the way myself – whaddya think guys and gals?