We haven’t heard from ‘Fr Phil’ for some time, but never one to be upstaged by homosexual pop stars, he writes on a much more radical theme:

Jesus was a good man, he wanted us all to be happy. I am unhappy, and I think that Jesus would want me to be happy. I am a member of a largely silent majority. I am a heterosexual man, the husband of one wife. But no one appreciates my problem, and the Church needs to get with my problem and change its attitude. I find myself, from time to time, attracted in a lustful way to other women. This is a perfectly natural reaction. It has been observed in nature, and in all cultures of which we know, we see this instinct at work; in other words, God made us like this. Now, why should I have to restrain these feelings? I was born this way, and I feel insulted, hurt, insulted, that the Church condemns this natural behaviour; how dare it? Does it not realise how many folk it drives away by this unChristian attitude? There needs to be a ‘lusty Christian’ movement. We need to find a perfectly ordinary word to appropriate to describe ourselves – perhaps ‘Christians for choice’? After all, the number of times Jesus condemns this sort of behaviour are not frequent compared to the total number of verses in the Bible, and if Christians are prepared to say that homosexuality is natural and should be allowed, and that there should be a ‘gay Christian perspective’ on things, then why the discrimination against us? It is outrageous that there are priests who will make exceptions for homosexuals and who discriminate against us; there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of priests who have lustful thoughts, so why can’t we get real and stop being hypocritical? Surely we should be out and proud?

Perhaps we should have ‘Lust Pride’ events, in which we parade with our paramours, demanding that the Church should adapt itself to the modern era. Despite these priests knowing that they are lustful men, they pretend they aren’t, and they even dare to condemn those of us who are honest. The Catholics are the worst here. Their priests aren’t even married, so how can they possibly understand our plight? The State has caught up with these things, and no blame is attached to any party in a divorce, so why does the Church still insist on discriminating against those of us who simply respond to our natural instincts. God created them male and female, after all, and so we lusty Christians are well in line with what God wants in that respect.

Yes, in primitive societies, where women were dependant on men and thought of as their chattels, it was natural to want to defend them by banning adultery, but nowadays women have equal rights, and are as lusty as men. So what’s going on here with all this old-fashioned stuff? Does the Church not realise how out of date it is? It needs to adapt to the modern world. We need the C of E to have divorced bishops, bishops living with their paramours; we have the right to be represented by our own kind. After all, I know if Jesus was here, he’d agree, because he wants us to be happy.