A communique from Governor:

Pontius Pilate did not condemn Jesus Christ

When Jesus, called by some the Christ, set up his mission a few years back, we were pleased to see him resisting the efforts by anti-Roman zealots to have the governor arrested for ‘anti-Jewish’ activities. But in the last year or so, that mission seems have shifted from something we like to something we don’t; it is all very well to point out the appalling ignorance and hypocrisy of the Jewish zealots, but pointing to some alleged presence of such things within the Roman-approved Sanhedrin, is quite another matter; if there is any dirty laundry (which of course there isn’t – and there will be no further statement on this) to be washed, it is done by us in private; any so-called public right to know runs counter to centuries of tradition.

The Jesus movement is, of course, nothing to do with the Governorship, but the fact that he is still there when we usually shut down critics with an iron grip round the throat, might have given rise in the minds of the terminally stupid to the thought that it is some way approved by me. The fact that Jesus was still alive might have made really thick people (like those who write statements like this?)  suppose that I approved of him; so you can see why the Sanhedrin wanted to take action.

Now, I am all in favour of everyone saying whatever they like, as long as it agrees with what I think, and as long as it does not upset those with terminally thin skins who like bullying others, but when someone who is seen around the Temple upsets those who wish to go about the lawful business of changing money there, it is a different matter.

I consulted the late King Herod and his successors, models, of course, of how we Romans think secular folk should behave, and I can see from the way he treated John the Baptist, that there were lessons to be learned from him; all faithful Romans might look to Herod as their example here, as indeed in other matters such as widening the bounds of what ‘marriage’ means.

I had Caiaphas tell Jesus that I hoped he would confine himself to preaching about how good it was to share your cloak with Romans and walk another mile with the, and how much we hoped he would stop dividing people by making ad personam comments about ‘vipers’ and ‘hypocrites’; unfortunately this was not taken on board, and so, as Caiaphas put it, it was better than one man should die for the people; but I must emphasise that this was not my decision; indeed I have eye witnesses to the effect that I washed my hands of it.

I regret deeply that certain so-called ‘Apostles’ have made public the contents of the kangaroo court trial of Jesus; the fact is that Jesus voluntarily surrendered himself to the Sanhedrin and agreed to be crucified. I emphasised in a personal intervention which shows what a good man I am, that if he would only give the answers I wanted to my questions, I had the power to save him, but he just muttered something about his ‘father’ and ‘the truth’; what is that, I asked; after all, a more nuanced approach to these things is now the fashion. The fact that my part in this was misrepresented by the ‘Apostles’ is much to be regretted, and will be when I get my hands on the lying scumbags who have made this public  by all men and women of goodwill.

I have recently been told that there is something called Twitter, and I, of course, have my own blog which was once read by Deacon Slope, so I know what I am talking about (is this bit right, or should we tone it down as it makes me sound like a pompous fool – please delete this before published PP). We shold be spreading peace, love and understanding, not banging on about hell-fire, sin and such stuff. I love everyone who agrees with me, as, indeed, does the Roman Empire., and will kill anyone who does not believe me.

signed: Pontius Pilate at Babylon

There will be no more talking about this, no sniggering at the back Molesworth, and anyone saying horrid things will be accused of stirring up apathy.

Luv and stuff Ponty.

[Your excellency, it has been suggested to us that you might want to point out that Jesus’ crucifixion was not only voluntary, but also only temporary]

p.s. can the scriptorium please make sure that this time my personal amendments are adopted and queries deleted. I should like to be associated soon with some eye-catching initiative – could we find this Peter fellow and lock him up for a lack of lurve?